Battles Week One

“They're just things you don't want

I can use 'em

Meg can use 'em

We can do something with 'em

We'll make something out of 'em

Make some money out of 'em at least”

--The White Stripes

It's all just jokey and fun. We watch the auditions, we take notes and it's fun because it is a way to pretend that we are judges ourselves, get a little catty about contestants, come up with a couple of bon mots and laugh about the idea of being actual adult people participating in a fantasy league of a certainly not entirely on the level singing competition. And then we draft and we have fun trash talk and try and pick our favorites and by the way thank you my friends, it was indeed a lovely 70 minutes or so.

And then you watch the show and it seems like every single one of your team is up first and they are all underdogs and they missed a note and goddamnit what the fuck is Pharrell thinking and OH MY GOD I'M SO TENSE WHAT THE HELL IS HAPPENING TO ME? All of my team was involved in the FIRST SHOW AND A HALF. I need a drink.

Gina M would know the feeling if not for the fact that she is enjoying herself in the Maldives and doesn't realize that five of hers went as well. Her team was strong out of the gate again this year with 4 of 5 moving on. Jim was three for three and Tim also was pretty busy with four of his team singing but two going home – Michael Leier & James McNiece. I just want to say one thing to Tim: I hope you've learned something here.

But Tim also has one Cody Wickline, number 1 on my draft list and someone that is very likely to be on my Bonus Round finalist guess list. I thought Meghan Trainor was sort of adorable and loved it when she fanned herself as Cody sang to her. Debbie did the same thing during his performance. Deb also said, “I should have picked him, right?” Yeah, probably.  I like to think I sort of looked like that at 19, I was thin with the same sort of hair and first mustache.  But that look is just as easily the slightly too old for the job fry cook you get weed from so I may not be remembering perfectly.

I feel there were an awful lot of steals. Clearly they are more rigged than they used to be. I think coaches lobby behind the scenes and NBC sets up duels that will be most appealing and where they know at least one coach really wants the loser. I'm OK with that for the most part because a) it mostly gets the best singers going forward and b) I enjoy pro wrestling and that is scripted as well. It's all in how you sell it. But one thing I do not understand in the least. NBC, why in the fuck are you TELLING US THERE IS GOING TO BE A STEAL RIGHT AFTER THIS BREAK? You cannot have it both ways. You cannot say “The Result Will Shock EVERYONE” and then have three Steal lights pop up. Because you know who isn't shocked now? THE AUDIENCE. God. This doesn't seem so hard. Between this, the duel montages and the half audition/half battle/no draft time debacle you are on my last nerve.

And c'mon, did anyone ever think that Megan Linsey (who might be a little crazy) was not going to end up on Blake's team? I wanted to like that duel because Beatles but our TV got out of sync and it was just weird and disorienting.

Lionel Richie looked good. I loved that he schooled Anthony Riley. You do not know how depressed I was to see him get matched up with my first round pick Travis Ewing. Plus during the song I started to waver because I always root for guys with cocked up eyes but it was against my guy so all in all it was a stressful few minutes. And now he's with Blake and that would be fine but I don't think Blake has any idea at all what to do with him. SMH.

Am I the only one who gets annoyed when a coach puts together two of his best people and then says something like “I hate to lose either one of them”. It seems like there would be an easy solution. DON'T PUT THEM TOGETHER. God. But then he picked my guy and it was all good.

We weren't looking forward to the Sonic – Ameera matchup during the intro but Deb thought that Sonic did really good and was kind of riveted. My mind wandered, I don't remember any of it. Did you know Sonic is partly deaf?

What was riveting was the special kind of insanity shown by one Hannah Kirby. That is the girl at the party that you casually make out with for awhile for no particular reason and never expect to see again. But you do. Oh, do you. I'm not being sexist here, if Hannah Kirby was a guy I would refer to him as the guy at the party you make out with casually for no particular reason and never expect to see again. The point is, Hannah Kirby is just a little bit scary. It's not just me. My wife is a very tolerant person, but Deb does not have a super high tolerance for crazy. She was kind of staring at the TV in a mix of horror and disbelief and finally said “God, she just bugs the shit out of me”. One of the great things about The Voice is that sometimes you just find someone to hate and it is so damn fun. Deb hates Hannah Kirby. I'm sure my soulhate will show up eventually.

Have they always played sad music in the background during the cruel segment where they have the loser thank the judges for being humiliated in front of millions by begging for the chance to be stolen?

The difference in Blaze Johnson's and Michael Leier's sizes was so stark that it was distracting. Deb said, “The big guy keeps swinging around like an elephant and the little guy just looks like a hobbit”. Xtina (as an aside, I'll probably use that more than Christina – a few keystrokes here, a few keystrokes there and maybe you put off the inevitable carpal nerve damage by a year) was at her snarky best after that duel, “Yeah, that's an interesting one.”

At the bottom of this you'll find a link to the standings through this week's battles. Gina M needs to give me a team name, if you did last night I missed it, sorry. Tim, I think that was the one you wanted, let me know if not.

Next week we'll be seeing lots of Debbie's, Erin/Langdon's, Gina T. and Ed's teams. I am going to be so relaxed.

Click here for standings!