Two Weeks Of Battles Kick Off TSAVFL Season 5!!

“Did you ever let a cowboy sit on your lap?”

                --Beck

Let’s get the Blake/Gwen stuff out of the way first thing – they look incredibly awkward to me.  It also looks like Gwen is into Blake more than Blake is into Gwen but y’know, that shouldn’t come as a surprise to anybody.  She dresses great though!   Not much insight but we’ve seen that close up for a couple seasons now.

Hey guys, we’re back!  I was going to split the battle rounds out but post draft ran into the second week and it’s just easier to smash them both together.  I’m going to go through the battles starting from my favorite and roughly working down from there with the caveat that most of the ones in the middle are all lumped together.  More and more I think the battles are my favorite part of the show.

First up we have GINA M.VS. JIM IN AN OH MY GOD HOW MANY DAMN SINGERS ARE THERE IN OKLAHOMA DONNYBROOK!  Abby Celso and Brian Nhira sing Sugar by Maroon 5.  There was so much to like in this battle.  Deb:  “I was completely entertained the whole time!”  So was I.  When the song started I liked Brian better but by the end my eyes were on Abby and I was surprised but pleased that Pharrell agreed.  Then it got even better with Adam’s pitch to Brian – he said that Brian would be lost on Xtina’s team because it is so strong whereas on HIS team he’d be on a pedestal which if I still understand English correctly means that Adam believes his team sucks ALREADY!  Brian ends up being afraid of competition and so decides to pick the guy that just threw his entire team under the bus but good luck to you young man, I like you.

JIM VS. PAT IN A THREE LETTER NAME DEATHMATCH!!  Shalyah Fearing and Tamar Davis sing Lady Marmalade.  How great was Patti Labelle as a mentor??  She had them both in tears at the first meeting and then followed up with smart advice such as “put your foot on this one or don’t sing it at all”.  And boy, she is a stickler on the enunciation but then very encouraging:  “THAT GIVE ME CHILLS IN THE FACE!!”  She even had good chemistry with Xtina!  Anyway they both were excellent, I was afraid that Shalyah had edged it but Tamar comes in with the upset and Shalyah goes to Pharrell.

TIM AND GINA T. MEET IN A CALIFORNIA DREAMIN’ BROUHAHA!!  Curly Sue Gone Wrong Alisan Porter against Lacy Mandigo (who I always type as Mandingo but then am immediately embarrassed about).  Deb liked Lacy’s sass – “(Alisan) even has her own Wikipedia page!!”  and so did I but c’mon Lacy – if you are going to talk smack you need to back it up and even though you were deservedly stolen by Blake Alisan kicked your ass.  Wow, she was good.  And I liked that version of the song very much.

GINA M. VS. JIM IN A JESUS CHRIST NBC CAN YOU NOT TELL US A BATTLE IS GOING TO FEATURE A STEAL ONCE IN OUR FRIGGIN LIVES FIGHT TO THE SORT OF FINISH!!  Brian Bautista and Malik Heard sing It’s A Man’s Man’s Man’s World by James Brown.  This was the first time seeing Patti Labelle and I was thinking  wow, she has to be the biggest mentor but realized well we haven’t seen Diddy but then was like “wtf? Patti Labelle KILLS Diddy!”  I tend to like this song better when women sing it but boy it was a solid battle and personally thought Malik had edged it but Brian was a four chair turn so gets the nod from Xtina while Pharrell picks up Malik. 

Why are Adam AND Pharrell both blond?  Or is it that Pharrell just always has a hat on?  Either way I fully support the Adam Levine = Guy Fieri comparison.  Deb did not understand Pharrell’s sweater.

GINA T. VS. GINA T. IN THE FIRST OF OH MY GOD THERE WAS A TON OF SELF AGAINST SELF MASHUPS!!  Hannah Huston and Maya Smith sang a Sia song that I didn’t know but liked quite a bit though Deb thought the backing sample was sort of annoying.  NBC once again tells us there will be a steal so Gina relaxes a bit while we discover that Hannah and Maya are roomies, are appealing as hell and was about the point where I realized that although I LOVE Patti Labelle that Sean Diddy Combs is MENTOR NUMBER ONE THIS YEAR.  By the way, is NBC obligated to refer to him as Sean Diddy Combs?  I do like that at least Pharrell just calls him Puff.  Anyway, liked the song, did not love the orange pantsuit but still wish Hannah was on my team and as Maya gets stolen by Xtina imagined Gina T. sitting back, satisfied.

JIM VS. GINA T. IN A WHO NEEDS BATMAN VS. SUPERMAN WHEN YOU CAN HAVE JERRY GARCIA FACE OFF AGAINST TREY ANASTASIO IN A SEVENTEEN HOUR GUITAR SOLO EXTRAVAGANZA?!??  Laith Al-Saddi and Matt Tedder both love their guitars, man.  Adam is in mid season form as the entire time here he looks like he is thinking “why the hell did I pick two guitar players?”  Actually I ended up liking Laith quite a bit.  He won.  Matt lost.

If I’d have written about the auditions I would definitely have mentioned how I don’t like the new cruel fashion of waiting until someone is crushed and walking off the stage before hitting your button. 

TIM VS. ED IN A MGMT STANDOFF!  Jessica Crosbie (who has resting “eww” face) and Nick Hagelin sing Electric Feel, a song that I both know and like!!  The bond of honesty that we share compels me to mention that I liked Nick’s audition a ton until he brought out his son Tiny Tim to say “God Bless Us every one!” and that I was not going to tell you that because Deb thought it pretty offensive and I guess it is but it’s also just a little bit true.  Deb:  He’s so Diddy!  I expected Nick to walk away with it and did win but he relied too much on his falsetto for my taste and I really liked her though don’t think I would have used a steal, but I’m sure Tim was just fine with it.

GINA T. VS HERSELF ONCE AGAIN IN A CITY VERSUS COUNTRY VERSUS WINGS THROWDOWN!!  Ryan Quinn and Katie Basden sing Maybe I’m Amazed, with Quinn a clear favorite.  Rehearsals were rough and I have no idea who Tory Kelly is but man she was a dud advisor and had no chemistry with Adam at all, but I guess that isn’t necessarily a knock on her.  Sad!  Ryan wins because you don’t let a guy like that go in the battles and Katie picks Blake but should have picked Xtina.  C’mon singers – pick the one that wants you the most!

We’ve actually seen Little Big Shots.  It was cute.

DEB VS. DEB BUT SHE DIDN’T REALIZE IT BECAUSE SHE HAD FORGOTTEN KRISTEN WAS ON HER TEAM!!!  Xtina puts Daniel Passino up against Kristen Marie.  Deb and I both think she looks like a young Geena Davis, though we disagree on who thought that first.  They sing Adele and Passino is pretty damn good, way better than I remember from his audition.  He wins and Geena, I mean Kristen goes home.

ED AND TIM DEBATE WHO IS LINDSEY AND WHO IS STEVIE!!!  Brittany Kennell and Troy O’Dell sing The Chain, which has to be in my top three Fleetwood Mac songs ever.  It was a Blake battle and Gwen told Brittany that she is so cute but too happy, she has no idea, NO IDEA WHAT IT FEELS LIKE TO BE HEARTBROKEN DO YOU BRITTANY???  DO YOU?????  DO YOU KNOW THE PAIN, BITCH? DO YOU???????????  Anyway, I thought Brittany sang like a snake, all slithery and liked her a bunch.  She wins and Troy is stolen by Xtina just in time to disappoint him in the knockout round.

One of the many reasons that my wife is the light in my life is watching her fast forward through commercial breaks.  Moderation is not an option.  You go straight to FAST AS POSSIBLE then SLAM ON THE BRAKES then BACK UP AS FAST AS POSSIBLE and repeat until you figure THAT’S CLOSE ENOUGH.  We always get spoiled on who gets chopped. 

GINA M. VS. GINA M. IN ANOTHER BATTLE WITH ONESELF!!!  Brittney Lawrence (whose promising cheerleader career was stopped by tragic injury damnit and definitely not because she put on those twenty-five pounds over the summer) and Paxton Ingram sing I Know What You Did Last Summer, which is one of the millions of songs I do not know.  Blake proves once again why he is a good coach by giving the pop singers a pop song.  I thought Paxton was more interesting and Blake agreed while Brittney was the first one to pack her bags.

PAT VS. TIM IN A BATTLE OF SECOND-ROUND PICKS!!!  Caroline Burns and Mike Schiavo.  I’d be a little bit shocked if Caroline weighed much more than Norm.  A snippet of conversation:

Deb:  I want her to stick around you don’t even know how bad I can’t believe it!

Pat:  Why?

Deb:  LOOK AT HER SHE IS ADORABLE!!!

It was a decent if dull battle but Caroline wins and Mike talks just too long enough to let the desperation show before he leaves the stage steal-less.

Sean Diddy Combs called Pharrell the black Dali Lama.  Heh.

MS. IRRELAVENT (last pick of the draft) VS. PAT IN THE JIM/PAT REMATCH!!!  Chelsea’s a crier.  They sing Melissa Etheridge.  The harmonies do not sound good at all in rehearsal.  I decide to myself that I want Carson to announce “The Lesbian Xtina Kisser From Blank!!!” but of course he doesn’t.  Deb isn’t a fan of Kata but Xtina is and that’s enough!  TWO FOR TWO WILCOX!!!

ED VS. GINA M. IN A HOUSEHOLD BRAWL!!!  Cannon Fodder Jonathan Bach against Emily Keener for Pharrell.  There were a couple like this where one person was clearly better from the start.  Emily knows she is good and I always like to see that, especially in young women.  To the surprise of, well, nobody she wins and to the surprise of, again, nobody Jonathan is not stolen.

ERIN AND ERIN IN THE FIRST “I’M NOT READY TO GO HOME YET” SKIRMISH!!!  Mary Sarah against Justin Whisnant.  Nice choice of song but it was clear who was best here and I’m sure Erin agreed and had her fingers crossed that her first round pick beat her last round pick.  She did, Justin is on a one-way flight back to of course Oklahoma and Erin is very very relieved.

ERIN VS. PAT IN A DO WE REALLY NEED TO HAVE A TORY KELLY SONG ISN’T IT ENOUGH TO JUST HAVE HER AS A DUD MENTOR DISAGREEMENT!!!!  Natalie Yacovazzi and Nate Butler sing whatever song that was.  They seemed even so I rooted for the guy on my side (who has an amazingly square head!).  Adam picks…..Nate!   MAN I NEED TO NOT PREPARE MORE OFTEN!  Natalie is devastated once again.

JIM VS. DEB IN A BATTLE OF CHAMPIONS!!!!  Adam Wakefield goes against fodder Jared Hodder who looks sullen and bereft of confidence from the first.  They sing Can’t You See, I didn’t actually know that’s what the song was called but it makes total sense.  Then Deb and I debated whether or not Marshall Tucker Band first sang it, we decided it was actually The Band and then looked it up to realize we were wrong and by that time it was over and Adam had clearly won.

ERIN AND DEB IN, well, a really boring battle.  Shy Caity Peters and Nervous Joe Vivona.  Diddy snapped him some swag but it made no difference.  And friends, Honesty?  Honestly, poor song.  Post rehearsal Deb regrets her second round pick of Joe.  Caity wins because Pharrell can’t spend his entire time trying to make sure Joe Vivona doesn’t puke on stage.

And there we go!  Do you want standings?  BROTHER PAT IS IN THE LEAD FOLKS!!  Talk to you next week when I’m sure that will not still be the case.

STANDINGS!!

As ever I love each and every one of you,

Brother Pat