My Best Laid Plans Go Pear Shaped Yet Again

"I could give you everything but time"
                          --Elvis Costello


I did have notes.  Really.  They weren't great because I was not thrilled with the finale whether we go with the people who made it there or the performances that they did, but I did have notes.

We also had a scoreboard website that due to tragic and unforeseen circumstances no longer exists, thankfully Ed pulled a screenshot before it catapulted into oblivion but that leads us to the next issue.

Last minute sales meetings and holiday trip preparations.  "Well", I thought to myself, "I'm sure I can bang it out on Wednesday morning before meetings start".  Nope.  "For sure do it Thursday".  Nope. "I will do it Friday before we leave for the rest of the year".  Not really.

BUT, my TSAVFL friends (and never forget that I love each and every one of you), we do have a champion in the lovely Deb!!  We have congratulations to Gina M for finally breaking Deb's streak of picking the winner, and we have congratulations to all of you just for being part of this special group.

When we return I will figure out the final scores because that sort of thing matters to me.  This blogsite will stay active in between seasons because of a project I am going to start, so pop by every once in a while before next season starts, it may be interesting, it may not.  2016 will doubtless provide us with many surprises.  The upcoming breakup of Gwen and Blake (which Deb did call right away and is already playing out with rumors of arguments) will not be one of them.

Wishing you all a Merry Christmas/Happy Holiday/Happy New Year!

Yours in The Voice agony,
Brother Pat

I HATE THE VOICE AND I'M NOT TOO THRILLED ABOUT AMERICA RIGHT NOW EITHER

"Well I used to be disgusted
But now I try and be amused"
                    --Elvis Costello

Not working.  No amusement, just disgusted.  I can't discuss it yet.

Deb is going to win just like Jim this year though.  Well, not like Jim THIS year but like Jim last year and so next year I might just name my team I Wanna Win Like Deb Except I Hate The Fucking Voice SO MUCH.

The Annual Unbearable Voice Episode

“You’re not my particular poison

I’ve got nothing against you myself”

                --Elvis Costello

It feels like every year there is an episode that just bugs the shit out of me.  The first hour was just annoyance after annoyance and a few times I just sat back and scowled at the TV because I had nothing I could say.  This was an episode with very little chatter between Deb and I, matter of fact we both ended up browsing our various devices during many of the songs.  Usually I enjoy it when the songs get longer, this year it just makes them interminable. 

But I wanted to get my thoughts and rankings down BEFORE the massacre that is gonna happen tonight, and not a second too soon for my taste although the way this season has gone I fully expect the favorites I have left to get the boot.

So Gwen sings of the pain of losing love and Blake sings of the newly restored ability to hit on women at the bar.  I really think these crazy kids just might make it!  Speaking of Gwen, while Deb saw Pocohontas I just kept expecting her to cross her arms and blink like Barbara Eden.

Zach, Jeffery and Braiden F’ing Sunshine all joshing with each other before a break to commercial looked like the most awkward frat party ever.  Anyways, on to the songs!

I don’t remember ever seeing Madi Davis’ café’ set before on the show.  It was my first bright spot of the evening and as she sang Big Girls Don’t Cry flawlessly it struck me that I really want Madi Davis to win this.  Sorry about that Madi, you are now likely doomed.

Not to be outdone, NBC gave Jordan Smith an entire damn choir!  As you know, I have mixed feelings about Jordan and my hackles are up about how much the show has pimped him this year, but have to say that I loved the big finish which was probably one of my favorite moments all season.  Deb noted that she was glad that he actually seemed to enjoy singing that song and shit, if you can pull off a Freddie Mercury song you SHOULD enjoy singing it.  But as soon as it was done he was back to reminding me of Carrie just before the bucket of blood comes down. 

When Deb saw the song that Amy Vachal was singing she actually gasped.   I thought it was very pretty but it’s always a balancing act between doing what got you there and trying to show range and while I liked it a lot all of a sudden rather than an intriguing chanteuse she became a singer/songwriter type.  That is four songs in a row that we've (well, Deb) downloaded.  Afterwards I think Pharrell said that Amy could stop ISIS but again, I seldom understand what Pharrell is saying.

It was downhill from there for me.  It is actually going to piss me off if one of the women don’t win this year (and they won’t because Jordan will) because the women are as a whole IMMENSELY better than the men.  It is bullshit. 

Jeffery sang Believe by Cher because of course he did.  I so wanted him to come out wearing a big feathered headpiece.  As you’d imagine it was a delicate and understated performance.

My wife will hear nothing bad about Emily Ann (she thinks it refreshing to see a young girl on this show that does not appear to be wracked with angst of some kind or another) but 9 to 5 is a terrible song choice for a 15 year old girl and that performance was straight off a cruise ship, background dancers included.   It is funny that she clearly has a crush on Zach though.

Speaking of Zach, I hadn’t noticed before that he inhales loudly when he sings, probably because I’m usually just rolling my eyes or laughing at his gyrations. 

Oh Shelby.  Even God Must Get The Blues.  Sigh.  Probably because He has to KEEP TAKING THE GODDAMN WHEEL.    Halfway through I realized it didn’t matter how she sung it because I was so fucking irritated by the song that I was just tuning it out.   This was when I first realized that The Voice had it in for me this week.  C’mon man.

That was right on the heels of whatever Barrett Baber did this week.  His weird enunciation breaks and constipated emphases made me think that he thought he was singing much better than I thought he was.  Also, at this point in the season I don’t need the plane crash story again.  I know what you’ve overcome and I’ve already decided (mostly) what I think of you.  It is counterproductive to tell me again.

And then we had Braiden F’ing Sunshine singing Amazing Grace.  Of course.  I hate you, The Voice.

What do you think?  Tonight we will find out who gets the top 5 bonus picks even though it might be four but we know they’ll find a way to bring someone back because NBC.  My call:  Jordan, Jeffery, Madi and either Amy or Emily Ann for the last spot.

TSAVFL is gettin’ me down,

Brother Pat

The Calm Before The Storm

“In this perpetual nightclub

I’ll be yours eternal

Though the hours are long

And the noise infernal”

                --Elvis Costello

I’ve been divorced twice, once on the divorcing side and once on the being divorced from side.  Both ways suck.  In addition to the legal and emotional ramifications that come with any serious breakup you deal with an overwhelming feeling of failure in not being able to succeed in what is a bulwark of adulthood and stability in our society.  It is a baseball bat to the temple of your self-esteem.  It is true that you come through it (as we do with most life crises) a wiser and hopefully better person than you were before, but that is an end result that is hard to visualize when you are in the middle of the process. 

That said, the soap opera that is Gwen this season was at its zenith this week.  It isn’t just the attempts to turn Korin into a weird automaton of herself or the new single she sang called I Used to Love You or the 1994 Gavin haircut she had Braiden F’ing Sunshine get or the creepy way she was looking at him and mouthing the words “I’m radioactive, radioactive” while he sung or the either Botox or lip injection work she’s had though it is a little bit of all those things.  Surprisingly, the rebound with Blake seems the most normal thing about it.  Anyway my point is yes, it is a horrible time in one’s life, and I’m positive I must have been a sad sack pain in the ass to the people around me when I was going through mine, but at least I am a loner and wasn’t on nationwide TV and so I sympathize with her but am also rolling my eyes just a little bit.

We haven’t looked at the bonus picks for a few weeks!  As has been the other theme of this season to TSAVFL, Jim and Deb are running away with this as well.  By the way, if you google TSAVFL the first result is the old post ripping NBC for screwing up our draft last year which made me chuckle for some reason.  Anyway, the updated rankings:

1)      Hummingbird Lightfoot and the Sorry not Sorry (Jim) (tie for 3 last time): Amy Vachal, Madi Davis and Viktor Kiraly. 

2)      I Wanna Win Like Jim (Deb) (tie for 3 last time): Amy Vachal, Jordan Smith and Morgan Frazier.

3)      Brother Pat’s Traveling Salvation Show (2 last time):  Zach Seabaugh, Shelby Brown and Darius Scott.

4)      Fluffy Bookworms (Gina T) (1 last time):  Barrett Baber, Braiden F’ing Sunshine and Blaine Mitchell.

5)      (tie) Supernatural Prep School Girls (Erin) (4 last time):  Amy Vachal, Korin Bukowski  and Morgan Frazier.

(tie) Cupcake Bounty Hunters (Gina M) (5 last time):  Amy Vachal, Ivonne Acero and Darius Scott.

6)      (tie) Doomsday Wedding Planners (Ed) (6 last time):  Mark Hall, Ivonne Acero and Riley Biederer.

(tie) Frat Bro Hermits (Tim) (7 last time):  Viktor Kiraly, Riley Biederer and Regina Love.

How do you feel about the one singer leaving per week thing?  In theory I like it, in practice it seems a bit stagnant.  I think the Second Voice Massacree scheduled for next week though will be a pressure packed week of fun with all of the remaining singers nearing their breaking points.  It would truly make the Super Awesome category if we had a five way race for the TSAVFL lead as well, but that is for another season.  We do have Jim and Deb with equal numbers now though so at least THEY’LL be nervous.

Carson Daly going into a break:  One of them will be singing N’SYNC!!!

Me:  OOOOOH WHICH ONE?????????

Here’s how I saw this week:

Amy Vachal singing Bye Bye Bye from N’Sync who were her teenage idols which seems weird because Amy is one of the older contestants left but I was still in my late thirties when N’Sync were happening.  Sigh.  I didn’t know early on if she had the versatility and range to go very far, but she has a knack for both song choice and arrangement that combine to make her the most interesting singer on The Voice this year.  I made a snarky comment early in my notes about Adam saying “WE’RE winning”, but will give him credit because the tempo change he suggested really worked like a charm.  Deb:  OH MY GOD SHE IS SO GOOD!  I know Deb likes her not because she has downloaded her last three songs, but because she made me read the notes I had written after Amy’s segment was over.

Madi Davis sang Girls Just Want to Have Fun as a sad song and damned if it didn’t work.  She is the only singer Pharrell has left but she’s a good one and I think she will cruise to the finals.  She strikes me as quite serious for a 16 year old. 

I don’t remember the song Shelby Brown sung except that it was what she sang at her grandfather’s funeral.  I went to church semi-regularly until I was 17 or so, I didn't like it except for the stained glass windows that were always cool to look at and so I passed my time looking at the backdrop of fake stained glass while she sung and it was generally nice.  Deb agreed with Pharrell that it was her best song.  Adam made me laugh as he talked about how he is chipping away at her week after week to make her a rare and great singer.  Adam can be such a douche.  Deb liked his suit though, while I was wondering when wide ties had come back in fashion.  Thankfully I do not need to be aware of the current fashion in ties.

Barrett Baber threw some kind of hand signal before the commercial that I did not understand but I’m sure it was authentic.  He sang something by Conway Twitty and I noticed for the first time that he has a tattoo of the state of Arkansas on his forearm.  Now I don’t mean to denigrate where a person comes from because after all home is a state of mind, but I have to be honest and say that if you feel the need to tattoo the state of Arkansas on your forearm I’m going to assume that you have a relatively low bar to clear for satisfaction in your life.  I was clarifying this thought so didn’t pay much attention to the song though Deb thought it was sort of stalker-y.  I did think he was the best of the guys tonight.

Jeffery Austin sang Jealous by Labryinth and I don’t know either the song or the band.  All I know is that it seemed really long to me.  Debbie is a big believer in the science of Placetology, which is the study of what order singers go in and so was nervous about him going first.  As with most things I can’t bring myself to fully believe in this discipline but I will grant there may be something to it.  For some reason I often note the judges comments though they are always basicially the same:  Adam said he is good;  Blake loved it and said it might be the performance of the season, I can only assume because Gwen was miffed at him and he wanted to get some later; Pharrell told Jeffery that he is Jeffery and something else that I didn’t understand because I rarely understand what Pharrell says and Gwen said he looked fabulous.

Emily Ann Roberts got a guitar from Blake and a phone call from Wynonna Judd.  She was happier about the guitar.  Deb would love it if she won and also loves her sparkly dresses and her boots.  She sang I’ve Got the Picture by Patsy Cline.   It is hard not to compare her to Danielle Bradbury from a few seasons ago but I like Emily Ann far more and I think it has to be because she has so much personality than Danielle did.

Korin Bukowski backed away from the identical Gwen twin thing (must have been bad feedback on that) and sang a song by Selena Gomez which interested me because I had never heard a Selena Gomez song before and was pleased to find that I enjoyed the song quite a bit and thought it was her best to date – granted, that means middle of the pack because she isn’t at the point where she can fully commit to her performance yet.  I hoped it was good enough to get her through another week and unfortunately it wasn’t but still, Korin, you went out on a high note and looking better as yourself than as Gwen.  Godspeed.

One of the things I hate most about reality singing competitions is that it has caused me to absolutely loathe the song Hallelujah.  So I’ve made a decision as a recapper that I am recusing myself from ever typing anything about a performance of Hallelujah ever again.  So I will say that Jordan Smith sang a song and that comments were made about it.

I’ve already mentioned Braiden F’ing Sunshine briefly and don’t have too much more to say about him except to note that he was out of breath by the end of the song and that for the first time Deb said “I’m ready for him to go.”  Adam respects his balls which is a nice way to say he didn’t like it.  Blake said he is a 1980’s throwback because Gwen likes that.  Gwen calls out the Gavin Rossdale haircut and says YOU WERE SO PUNK!!! and that everybody loves him.  Not everybody, Gwen.

Maybe it’s just me but have to say that the Kennesaw Mountain High School football team didn’t look all that fearsome.  Zach Seabaugh sang Crazy Little Thing Called Love.  He turned into a lounge singer SO QUICKLY.  I thought it was like a high school talent show honorable mention performance.  We had a conversation during this:

Deb:  What did you just type?

Me:  I thought it was awful.

Deb:  Because IT IS HORRIBLE!!!

Adam told the crowd to shut up and then didn’t say anything afterwards.  Blake sells to the end and says he’s never heard screaming so loud but then looks at Gwen and winks.  Almost never that is, heh heh. 

So we’re down to nine singers, six of whom belong to Deb and Jim.  I Wanna Win Like Jim has opened up 59 to 53 point lead over Hummingbird Lightfoot and the Sorry Not Sorry, with Gina T’s Fluffy Bookworms taking a firmer grip on third place over Gina M’s Cupcake Bounty Hunters, 37 points to 33 and the rest of us looking up from there.  I will note once again that Brother Pat has a total of 4 points as we head into the final stretch, which is a TSAVFL record breaking poor performance.

CHECK OUT THE SCOREBOARD HERE!

Buckle up for next week!

Brother Pat

The Post Where We Free Associate The Voice

“Don’t put your heart out on your sleeve

When your remarks are off the cuff”

                --Elvis Costello

Looking over my notes for Thanksgiving week I realize I’ve forgotten the context, so in my ongoing effort to share the TSAVFL recap process I am basically just going to put down my notes pretty much verbatim as the show went along.  This could be a big mistake.  I will follow up tonight or tomorrow morning with a recap for this week, plus rankings, standings and all that good stuff.  So!  Thanksgiving week on the fly starts right now:

Thanksgiving week!!!

Deb:  Oh, Shelby Brown is going first!

She brings her dad.  Why?? He’s a cop in a one street town, it can’t be THAT much of a hardship.  I don’t know the song but it sounds sassy.  Three men gonna serve in my life, Daddy, Alabama and Jesus Christ?  Oh my.  Alabama isn't even a man!  My feeling about the song aside I liked her again though it wasn’t perfect by a stretch.

So Pharrell got in a fight?  I can’t imagine him throwing an effective punch but I guess if he is the one wearing the sunglasses I could be right.

Holy crap I just saw Korin Bukowski walking backstage and thought it was Gwen.  I am pretty high tonight.

Oh I thought it was a commercial but it is Evan McKeel and Pharrell has the glasses on even during the rehearsal.  This is hilarious.  I don’t think he sounds very good in the first solo part and I don’t much like silhouetted dancers.  Man, we hated that.  He was as blah as water-flavored pudding.

Barrett Baber has his wife with him.  Delta Dawn by Tanya Tucker.  Wasn’t it Helen Reddy first?  I couldn’t tell if I liked his wife or not.  My buddy Doc used to sing Delta Dawn at karaoke at that bar I can’t think of the name of right now.  Debbie was indignently not impressed, I didn’t care enough to care that much.  Really thought Barrett was going to be good but instead I’m tired of him already and you know he’s gonna be around awhile.

Adam has watched Storage Wars.  That may be the first thing we’ve found in common.

Deb:  Man, Gwen sure has made Korin in her image.  That’s a little single white female-y for me.  She has her dad with her.  She is singing a Mandy Moore song and is excited about it.  This whole thing is odd.  Her dad seemed sad to me.  I think Korin has gone as far as she should and she did good!  But man her insecurity is uncomfortable.

Amy is up next.  She brought her dad and he KNOWS he looks like Walter White!  She is singing Blank Space and Deb said THAT’S A GREAT IDEA!!  Who doesn’t like a chanteuse?  She is on top of her game tonight, that was up there with the best things I’ve seen this year.

Pharrell wrote a Paris song.  That was nice of him.  NBC wrote a Paris hashtag.  Eh.  Anyway, I don’t think he sings live very well.

Deb likes Zach’s sisters.  Are we gonna kiss or something like that.  He has his mom with him.  She didn’t like the grind.  Blake is gonna make this kid a heartthrob/winner.  He wants to sex your daughters up, America, but wholesomely.  He’s at least partly in this for the teen girls which is awesome because I have him in my bonus picks and there are few things more determined than a horny 17 year old boy.

I think these VW commercials are really more about kidnapping than car selling.

Passionate side of Team Pharrell and Madi Davis and Wendy Walker-Davis.  She is singing a U2 song that I don’t know.  Love is Blindness.  Boy that was dramatic.  I didn’t love it but that might be me more than her?  Overly dramatic and kind of weird.

Braiden fing Sunshine and he truly odd looking dad that looks like Mark Davis.  True by Spandau Ballet.  Huh.  Did you like that song?  I was just OK with it.  That was a good long note he hit towards the end.  Some of the other notes weren’t as good.  Again, performance he has straightish hair and no glasses.  HE’S A FAKE!

Jordan Smith pretends to be embarrassed by mom’s stories but he wasn’t.  He’s singing Jessie J, I’ve heard of Jessie J but I haven’t heard anything Jessie J has sung.  Well now I have but you know what I mean….he’s his usual excellent self but it’s always so earnest that my mind wanders.  Oh, and he cries at the end.  I feel bad after the song because my mind wandered and clearly it moved most of the audience as well as my wife and I just sat there waiting for the next segment.  I’m a bad recapper.

Deb:  Jeffery Austin got the pimp spot.  Hmmmmm.

Emily Ann Roberts brought her dad Tommy.  Singing a Judds song.  Why not me.  I wonder if Russell Wilson knows that one.  She hasn’t gotten less adorable since last week.

Jeffery Austin is up and brought his mom.  Singing a song by Robyn that I don’t know.  He is very sincere as well.  Gwen cried.  I don’t get him but acknowledge that he sings well.

Yours in straight mainlined TSAVFL,

Brother Pat