The Annual Unbearable Voice Episode

“You’re not my particular poison

I’ve got nothing against you myself”

                --Elvis Costello

It feels like every year there is an episode that just bugs the shit out of me.  The first hour was just annoyance after annoyance and a few times I just sat back and scowled at the TV because I had nothing I could say.  This was an episode with very little chatter between Deb and I, matter of fact we both ended up browsing our various devices during many of the songs.  Usually I enjoy it when the songs get longer, this year it just makes them interminable. 

But I wanted to get my thoughts and rankings down BEFORE the massacre that is gonna happen tonight, and not a second too soon for my taste although the way this season has gone I fully expect the favorites I have left to get the boot.

So Gwen sings of the pain of losing love and Blake sings of the newly restored ability to hit on women at the bar.  I really think these crazy kids just might make it!  Speaking of Gwen, while Deb saw Pocohontas I just kept expecting her to cross her arms and blink like Barbara Eden.

Zach, Jeffery and Braiden F’ing Sunshine all joshing with each other before a break to commercial looked like the most awkward frat party ever.  Anyways, on to the songs!

I don’t remember ever seeing Madi Davis’ café’ set before on the show.  It was my first bright spot of the evening and as she sang Big Girls Don’t Cry flawlessly it struck me that I really want Madi Davis to win this.  Sorry about that Madi, you are now likely doomed.

Not to be outdone, NBC gave Jordan Smith an entire damn choir!  As you know, I have mixed feelings about Jordan and my hackles are up about how much the show has pimped him this year, but have to say that I loved the big finish which was probably one of my favorite moments all season.  Deb noted that she was glad that he actually seemed to enjoy singing that song and shit, if you can pull off a Freddie Mercury song you SHOULD enjoy singing it.  But as soon as it was done he was back to reminding me of Carrie just before the bucket of blood comes down. 

When Deb saw the song that Amy Vachal was singing she actually gasped.   I thought it was very pretty but it’s always a balancing act between doing what got you there and trying to show range and while I liked it a lot all of a sudden rather than an intriguing chanteuse she became a singer/songwriter type.  That is four songs in a row that we've (well, Deb) downloaded.  Afterwards I think Pharrell said that Amy could stop ISIS but again, I seldom understand what Pharrell is saying.

It was downhill from there for me.  It is actually going to piss me off if one of the women don’t win this year (and they won’t because Jordan will) because the women are as a whole IMMENSELY better than the men.  It is bullshit. 

Jeffery sang Believe by Cher because of course he did.  I so wanted him to come out wearing a big feathered headpiece.  As you’d imagine it was a delicate and understated performance.

My wife will hear nothing bad about Emily Ann (she thinks it refreshing to see a young girl on this show that does not appear to be wracked with angst of some kind or another) but 9 to 5 is a terrible song choice for a 15 year old girl and that performance was straight off a cruise ship, background dancers included.   It is funny that she clearly has a crush on Zach though.

Speaking of Zach, I hadn’t noticed before that he inhales loudly when he sings, probably because I’m usually just rolling my eyes or laughing at his gyrations. 

Oh Shelby.  Even God Must Get The Blues.  Sigh.  Probably because He has to KEEP TAKING THE GODDAMN WHEEL.    Halfway through I realized it didn’t matter how she sung it because I was so fucking irritated by the song that I was just tuning it out.   This was when I first realized that The Voice had it in for me this week.  C’mon man.

That was right on the heels of whatever Barrett Baber did this week.  His weird enunciation breaks and constipated emphases made me think that he thought he was singing much better than I thought he was.  Also, at this point in the season I don’t need the plane crash story again.  I know what you’ve overcome and I’ve already decided (mostly) what I think of you.  It is counterproductive to tell me again.

And then we had Braiden F’ing Sunshine singing Amazing Grace.  Of course.  I hate you, The Voice.

What do you think?  Tonight we will find out who gets the top 5 bonus picks even though it might be four but we know they’ll find a way to bring someone back because NBC.  My call:  Jordan, Jeffery, Madi and either Amy or Emily Ann for the last spot.

TSAVFL is gettin’ me down,

Brother Pat