The Calm Before The Storm

“In this perpetual nightclub

I’ll be yours eternal

Though the hours are long

And the noise infernal”

                --Elvis Costello

I’ve been divorced twice, once on the divorcing side and once on the being divorced from side.  Both ways suck.  In addition to the legal and emotional ramifications that come with any serious breakup you deal with an overwhelming feeling of failure in not being able to succeed in what is a bulwark of adulthood and stability in our society.  It is a baseball bat to the temple of your self-esteem.  It is true that you come through it (as we do with most life crises) a wiser and hopefully better person than you were before, but that is an end result that is hard to visualize when you are in the middle of the process. 

That said, the soap opera that is Gwen this season was at its zenith this week.  It isn’t just the attempts to turn Korin into a weird automaton of herself or the new single she sang called I Used to Love You or the 1994 Gavin haircut she had Braiden F’ing Sunshine get or the creepy way she was looking at him and mouthing the words “I’m radioactive, radioactive” while he sung or the either Botox or lip injection work she’s had though it is a little bit of all those things.  Surprisingly, the rebound with Blake seems the most normal thing about it.  Anyway my point is yes, it is a horrible time in one’s life, and I’m positive I must have been a sad sack pain in the ass to the people around me when I was going through mine, but at least I am a loner and wasn’t on nationwide TV and so I sympathize with her but am also rolling my eyes just a little bit.

We haven’t looked at the bonus picks for a few weeks!  As has been the other theme of this season to TSAVFL, Jim and Deb are running away with this as well.  By the way, if you google TSAVFL the first result is the old post ripping NBC for screwing up our draft last year which made me chuckle for some reason.  Anyway, the updated rankings:

1)      Hummingbird Lightfoot and the Sorry not Sorry (Jim) (tie for 3 last time): Amy Vachal, Madi Davis and Viktor Kiraly. 

2)      I Wanna Win Like Jim (Deb) (tie for 3 last time): Amy Vachal, Jordan Smith and Morgan Frazier.

3)      Brother Pat’s Traveling Salvation Show (2 last time):  Zach Seabaugh, Shelby Brown and Darius Scott.

4)      Fluffy Bookworms (Gina T) (1 last time):  Barrett Baber, Braiden F’ing Sunshine and Blaine Mitchell.

5)      (tie) Supernatural Prep School Girls (Erin) (4 last time):  Amy Vachal, Korin Bukowski  and Morgan Frazier.

(tie) Cupcake Bounty Hunters (Gina M) (5 last time):  Amy Vachal, Ivonne Acero and Darius Scott.

6)      (tie) Doomsday Wedding Planners (Ed) (6 last time):  Mark Hall, Ivonne Acero and Riley Biederer.

(tie) Frat Bro Hermits (Tim) (7 last time):  Viktor Kiraly, Riley Biederer and Regina Love.

How do you feel about the one singer leaving per week thing?  In theory I like it, in practice it seems a bit stagnant.  I think the Second Voice Massacree scheduled for next week though will be a pressure packed week of fun with all of the remaining singers nearing their breaking points.  It would truly make the Super Awesome category if we had a five way race for the TSAVFL lead as well, but that is for another season.  We do have Jim and Deb with equal numbers now though so at least THEY’LL be nervous.

Carson Daly going into a break:  One of them will be singing N’SYNC!!!

Me:  OOOOOH WHICH ONE?????????

Here’s how I saw this week:

Amy Vachal singing Bye Bye Bye from N’Sync who were her teenage idols which seems weird because Amy is one of the older contestants left but I was still in my late thirties when N’Sync were happening.  Sigh.  I didn’t know early on if she had the versatility and range to go very far, but she has a knack for both song choice and arrangement that combine to make her the most interesting singer on The Voice this year.  I made a snarky comment early in my notes about Adam saying “WE’RE winning”, but will give him credit because the tempo change he suggested really worked like a charm.  Deb:  OH MY GOD SHE IS SO GOOD!  I know Deb likes her not because she has downloaded her last three songs, but because she made me read the notes I had written after Amy’s segment was over.

Madi Davis sang Girls Just Want to Have Fun as a sad song and damned if it didn’t work.  She is the only singer Pharrell has left but she’s a good one and I think she will cruise to the finals.  She strikes me as quite serious for a 16 year old. 

I don’t remember the song Shelby Brown sung except that it was what she sang at her grandfather’s funeral.  I went to church semi-regularly until I was 17 or so, I didn't like it except for the stained glass windows that were always cool to look at and so I passed my time looking at the backdrop of fake stained glass while she sung and it was generally nice.  Deb agreed with Pharrell that it was her best song.  Adam made me laugh as he talked about how he is chipping away at her week after week to make her a rare and great singer.  Adam can be such a douche.  Deb liked his suit though, while I was wondering when wide ties had come back in fashion.  Thankfully I do not need to be aware of the current fashion in ties.

Barrett Baber threw some kind of hand signal before the commercial that I did not understand but I’m sure it was authentic.  He sang something by Conway Twitty and I noticed for the first time that he has a tattoo of the state of Arkansas on his forearm.  Now I don’t mean to denigrate where a person comes from because after all home is a state of mind, but I have to be honest and say that if you feel the need to tattoo the state of Arkansas on your forearm I’m going to assume that you have a relatively low bar to clear for satisfaction in your life.  I was clarifying this thought so didn’t pay much attention to the song though Deb thought it was sort of stalker-y.  I did think he was the best of the guys tonight.

Jeffery Austin sang Jealous by Labryinth and I don’t know either the song or the band.  All I know is that it seemed really long to me.  Debbie is a big believer in the science of Placetology, which is the study of what order singers go in and so was nervous about him going first.  As with most things I can’t bring myself to fully believe in this discipline but I will grant there may be something to it.  For some reason I often note the judges comments though they are always basicially the same:  Adam said he is good;  Blake loved it and said it might be the performance of the season, I can only assume because Gwen was miffed at him and he wanted to get some later; Pharrell told Jeffery that he is Jeffery and something else that I didn’t understand because I rarely understand what Pharrell says and Gwen said he looked fabulous.

Emily Ann Roberts got a guitar from Blake and a phone call from Wynonna Judd.  She was happier about the guitar.  Deb would love it if she won and also loves her sparkly dresses and her boots.  She sang I’ve Got the Picture by Patsy Cline.   It is hard not to compare her to Danielle Bradbury from a few seasons ago but I like Emily Ann far more and I think it has to be because she has so much personality than Danielle did.

Korin Bukowski backed away from the identical Gwen twin thing (must have been bad feedback on that) and sang a song by Selena Gomez which interested me because I had never heard a Selena Gomez song before and was pleased to find that I enjoyed the song quite a bit and thought it was her best to date – granted, that means middle of the pack because she isn’t at the point where she can fully commit to her performance yet.  I hoped it was good enough to get her through another week and unfortunately it wasn’t but still, Korin, you went out on a high note and looking better as yourself than as Gwen.  Godspeed.

One of the things I hate most about reality singing competitions is that it has caused me to absolutely loathe the song Hallelujah.  So I’ve made a decision as a recapper that I am recusing myself from ever typing anything about a performance of Hallelujah ever again.  So I will say that Jordan Smith sang a song and that comments were made about it.

I’ve already mentioned Braiden F’ing Sunshine briefly and don’t have too much more to say about him except to note that he was out of breath by the end of the song and that for the first time Deb said “I’m ready for him to go.”  Adam respects his balls which is a nice way to say he didn’t like it.  Blake said he is a 1980’s throwback because Gwen likes that.  Gwen calls out the Gavin Rossdale haircut and says YOU WERE SO PUNK!!! and that everybody loves him.  Not everybody, Gwen.

Maybe it’s just me but have to say that the Kennesaw Mountain High School football team didn’t look all that fearsome.  Zach Seabaugh sang Crazy Little Thing Called Love.  He turned into a lounge singer SO QUICKLY.  I thought it was like a high school talent show honorable mention performance.  We had a conversation during this:

Deb:  What did you just type?

Me:  I thought it was awful.

Deb:  Because IT IS HORRIBLE!!!

Adam told the crowd to shut up and then didn’t say anything afterwards.  Blake sells to the end and says he’s never heard screaming so loud but then looks at Gwen and winks.  Almost never that is, heh heh. 

So we’re down to nine singers, six of whom belong to Deb and Jim.  I Wanna Win Like Jim has opened up 59 to 53 point lead over Hummingbird Lightfoot and the Sorry Not Sorry, with Gina T’s Fluffy Bookworms taking a firmer grip on third place over Gina M’s Cupcake Bounty Hunters, 37 points to 33 and the rest of us looking up from there.  I will note once again that Brother Pat has a total of 4 points as we head into the final stretch, which is a TSAVFL record breaking poor performance.

CHECK OUT THE SCOREBOARD HERE!

Buckle up for next week!

Brother Pat