The Battles Have Begun! (Yes There Are Spoilers But C'mon Man, It's Been Three Days Already)

“Sheep to the slaughter

Oh I thought this must be love”

                --Elvis Costello

Friends of TSAVFL, we have so many new features this year but I want to start off with the newest, Ed’s magnificent scoreboard/roster page which you can get to by clicking right HERE! (but don’t do it yet if you haven’t watched!).  When you submit your team names we’ll get those up there, and in the meantime a big thank you to Ed for his work.

Other than Adam being bald, references to “a Blake latte’” in a context that was disturbingly close to meaning his orgasms, goo-goo eyes with he and Gwen and a fresh set of mentors that we will get to soon everything was familiar and comforting for a new season. 

Last year all my people went in the first week, this year Brother Pat’s Traveling Show had the fewest go with just two.  The biggest battle was the one that was the easiest to watch with Deb and I going head to head in a contest that NBC had considerately already told us we would both be safe in:  Dustin Christensen and Barrett Baber (as always my friends, any details I get wrong such as names, etc., are simply because I do not care enough to double check and are entirely my fault).  This was a Blake battle with his coach Brad Paisley, who looked exactly how I would have imagined Brad Paisley to look.  In rehearsal Dustin took his hat off and instantly I thought he should put it back on.  They talked about Barrett’s diction and I realized that he is Boomhauer.  It was a solid performance of a solid if oversung song and Debbie knew she was going to win it all along because in her words, “Barrett is Blake’s guy.”  As long as he doesn’t give him a latte’.  Dustin loses but is stolen and goes to Adam’s team which is just what I need.  Later on Deb beat me AGAIN as Noah Jackson left us in a battle with Jeffrey Austin that did not rate a full segment.  It irritates me that we get battles that aren’t seen. 

Basically, everything that always irritates me about The Voice continues to.

Gina M (I assume nobody wants these to come up when your name is googled so I will keep these on a first name basis) also had just two of her team go this week but won both contests.  Man, Gina M and Ed always seem to get off to fast starts.  It was GM versus GT in the very first battle between Jordan Smith and Regina Love.  Sometimes there are battles where you really wonder who will win.  This was not one of those, despite the shrillness of Jordan’s voice in the rehearsals.  Note to NBC:  why are you showing Jordan in side profile so much?  That is mean.  Regina did fine and it was clear she wasn’t going to win but Gwen made a stupid steal of her anyway, I’m guessing because – hell, I can’t even guess.  It was just dumb but that gave Gina T a point so yay for that! 

Poor Erin got the most horrible start of us all, going 0 for 3 in the first week.  What is even worse is that two of those were the quick recaps so one break she’s feeling pretty good and then WHAMMO!  In two minutes her entire outlook changed as Alex Kandel was beaten by Gina M’s blue hair Koda Wade and her first rounder Sydney Rhame lost to Madi Davis of team Jim.  Ouch.  Erin, you should take comfort in the fact that NOBODY in TSAVFL history has ever lost ALL of their people in the first round *looks at Erin’s remaining roster*.  Hmmm, always a first time I guess.  L

Pharrell’s pants had a gigantic Adidas logo on the ass.  Think on that.

Team Tim had four people go and went 2-2, one victory due to another stupid steal, this time from Pharrell, and the other win coming despite Adam doing Adam stuff.  In the auditions you may remember JUST HOW BADLY he wanted to get a country singer on his team.  HE NEEDS IT.  So, he finally got one in James Dupre’ so what does he do first thing?  GIVES HIM A SONG IN A GENRE HE IS NOT COMFORTABLE WITH AGAINST A GUY WHO IS.  Never change, dude.  He actually said “I guess James isn’t comfortable but that’s what you gotta do”.  Really?  Adam, one small piece of advice – country singers who want to be on The Voice ACTUALLY WATCH THE GODDAMN SHOW AND SEE WHAT YOU DO.  This is why they do not want you for a coach.  Blake is NEVER going to make someone sing a totally different style IN A BATTLE ROUND.  As a matter of fact, the one time that Blake did have one of his people try a different genre, he made sure it was a song that worked for his voice without having to change anything up.  At least he was smart and picked him in the end (for poor Erin’s third loss), but I will bet you five dollars right now that Adam will keep him off balance for as long as he is on the show.  Dustin cries at the end in a successful bid to get hugs from the coaches but none of them want him. 

Adam quote of the week after John Fogarty crazily rambled (I liked him in the end but truth must be told) about writing Fortunate Son:  “Well, that’s just the best story ever.”  He did not look like he really thought that the case.

Dr. T is 3-0!!  Not having the first pick is good for her it appears!  In addition to Jordan moving on she got the matchup of Adorable Young Girls That Pat Just Loves Already with Siahna Im against cantaloupe girl Ivonne Acero.  I wanted them both in the draft and thought hard about Siahna as my first round pick until figuring I might be able to pick her up in the second.  I will hear nothing bad about either of them, they are cute and darling and I want to protect them from the hardships of life.  I was very surprised that Ivonne did not pick Gwen as her coach until my lovely wife pointed out that it is possible a rural 17 year old girl just might be a little intimidated by Gwen.  That makes sense, I thought Gwen would be perfect for her but mainly I’m just very happy she is still around.  Deb found Ivonne very relatable.

Deb is also three for three!  In addition to her wins against me she also was featured in the matchup of Chris Crump against Ed’s first rounder Krista Hughes singing a Brad Paisley/Dolly Parton duet about his dead aunt.  CHEERFUL!  I’ll say though I don’t ever think I’ve seen a mentor so involved in this show that they actually rewrote a part of the song in order to showcase one of the voices, I thought that was really cool.  I thought it was a fine battle despite being a little distracted by whatever kind of western go-go girl outfit Krista had with the fringe skirt and cowboy boots, but in the end I agreed with the judges that Chris won and surprisingly Krista goes home to Coal City, WV.  HOPE YOU ENJOYED THE BIG CITY!

Team Jim went 2 of 3 with the best win in my opinion being the one where Zach Seabaugh beat Outlaw Kid And Crybaby Tyler Dickerson to death with Travis Tritt and all I can say is THANK GOD.  Tyler creeped me out.   Despite it seeming obvious that Zach won there was enough dithering by Blake that Deb finally blurted out “Blake you have to pick Zach he is too beautiful to let go!”  Luckily Blake agreed.

And finally, Team Ed had a busy week, tied with Tim with FOUR of his singers going and racking up a nice 3-1 start.  I like Ellie Lawrence even though I’m not usually down with blue-green hair.  I like her voice, I liked her outfits and I liked how enthusiastic she was about everything.  As an introvert I’m drawn towards folks like that, also one of the million reasons my wife is ever enchanting to me.  I will say though that I’m concerned with her attachment to Gwen.  It could get ugly if Gwen ultimately rejects her.  I didn’t think that much of Mark Hood during the auditions but liked him quite a bit in his battle against Team Jim’s Celeste Betton.  He might grow old quickly though, for instance when he hugged Celeste after the song was over and then turned her back towards the camera so he could look directly at it.  He also got a solid win with Irish Keith Semple over Meathead Manny Cabo.  I don’t know how many classic rock songs I’m eager to hear anymore but I can say that Baba O’Riley might not be one of them because I just couldn’t care.  The best part about that battle was my wife who had her quote of the week.  You may or may not know but Deb was adopted and so for her birthday we got her DNA tested and it turns out she is 33% Irish.  So when she saw the rehearsals with Keith she said:  “I like that Irish guy and it has nothing to do with my newfound roots.  Maybe a little.”  It’s fun to watch with Deb.

And that wraps up week one.  Glad to be back!

I’M A BLIND JOE MAN!!!,

--Brother Pat