We Wrap Up The Season With A Kind Of Live Blog From The Road Thing That Isn't But You'll See What I Mean, Plus I Ponder The Inevitable Folly Of Pulling Meaning Out Of Thin Air And Why Would One Even Try Something Like That?

“I said ‘Lady, step inside my Hyundai’

I’m gonna take you up to Glendale, yeah

Gonna take you for a real good meal”

                --Beck

Two disappointing seasons in a row for me.  I think the talent was better this time than the trainwreck of last season, but it all just fell flat in the end as it usually does.  Part of that I think was the many many weeks of just one elimination which dragged out the inevitable until the last purge at the end – I believe I’ve argued to do just that in the past and if I did, boy was I wrong. 

A greater factor was a realization I had this week.  When we started the TSAVFL and this whole recap thing came into focus what I was trying to accomplish is what I try to accomplish in so many areas of my life which is trying to pull some semblance of profundity out of absurdity and let’s face it friends, The Voice is about as absurd as it gets.  It worked for quite awhile but after time there just isn’t all that much there there and so trying to find something interesting and vital becomes harder and harder and finally impossible.  You can only squeeze out so much meaning from, say, a cucumber.  Or Pharrell.  Anyway, it was a goal that was doomed to failure from the very beginning and so at this point I’ve realized that while there isn’t much more to be mined in an interesting (to me) way we might as well just embrace the ridiculousness and I think that will be more fun (for me) going forward.

So we are going to “live-ish” blog the finale in this recap!!  We went to Tim and Greg’s house last night to watch the finale and then go through the results and what I thought would be fun is to try and be as verbatim about some of the conversation as I was able to in addition to my own observations.  We were down to Alisan, Hannah, Adam and Laith.  It was a travesty that Shalyah wasn’t in the final, frankly it was a travesty that the finale wasn’t all women – Shalyah and Mary Sarah were better than Laith and Adam on their worst days and you know that is true.  The patriarchy strikes again.

That reminds me!  Congratulations are due to Tim and Greg for their nuptials!  We had a lovely time on Lake Union last week watching them get married and another lovely time on Saturday getting stinking drunk at their party.  Finally off the market after 25 years!  Cheers you two!

Do you think it was a coincidence that all four coaches had a singer in the finale??  I do not. 

We see Xtina for the first time.  G:  Oh God.  D:  What the hell Christina??  T:  Hey, she is embracing our wedding theme!  (Hawaiian).

I compared Laith to Paul Giamatti earlier this year but I may change that to a younger George R.R. Martin so all I kept thinking was GET TO WORK ON THE NEXT BOOK GODDAMNIT.    The show is The Voice, not The Guitar Voice.  He sings White Room by Cream because of course he does.

D:  I think it is cool when Adam gets on the drums.

T:  Well at least he’s not talking.

The lights flash wildly behind Laith.

T:  It’s like high school.

P:  I like a good mushroom song.

T:  He has a great stage presence, you  know, the way he taps his foot.  Really controls the stage.

G:  When he first came out I thought he was wearing an Adam tattoo but then realized it was just paisley.

Next was Alisan and the first thing we saw from her was a squeal  AAAAHHOOOWWWMY GAHHHHHD!! It was earsplitting.  Then she is explaining her song to Christina (SPOILER:  It’s about recovery!) and says “totally” five times in a row.  The song begins:

D:  (stammers for around 15 seconds)

T:  Is she standing on something?  Oh, it’s her legs.

D:  OMG, whoever styles her does a HORRIBLE job.  And I’m just gonna say it, the placement of those jewels looks like her vag. 

G:  Are they pearls?  It’s a clam!

We called her Clam Girl for the rest of the song.  I thought it was the most boring shit that ever shat.

P:  Oh fuck, we’re doing duets as well? 

Adam and Blake sleepwalk through their old Hank song while we chat:

D (to T):  That duet with Blake and Gwen was AWFUL that was such a piece of crap song.

T:  He was on Live with Kelly on Friday and said that he wrote it and then emailed it to her and then she emailed it back and then OMG we have a beautiful song together.  But some of the shit Blake writes, like Honeybee, what the hell is that?

G:  I only heard it once and remember it, I was driving out of Death Valley and then wanted to turn around and drive back in.

Pharrell calls Hannah Hannah Banana and I die just a little bit inside.  She cries talking about her students which seems genuine but just because I want it to be.  She sings Every Breath You Take and wants to give it more of a creepy stalker vibe but THAT IS WHAT THE SONG ALREADY IS.  Geez.  Not much talking there and I really liked it but couldn’t shake the feeling that it could have been just ever so much more.

Duet for Adam and Laith on Golden Slumbers which is a great and righteous song and a pretty perfect duet for these two, not that we paid much attention because we were thinking of restaurant ideas for a friend of Greg’s brother who was in town instead but sure, it was great.

Now Adam is singing his own song and Blake is THRILLED about the line “Loving you is like staring into the sun” and my reaction is more like UGH, THAT is why these guys never go anywhere after this show, they can’t write a song for the life of them. 

T:  Now he looks exactly like a country singer.  (Tim is from Walla Walla, Washington so he KNOWS country).

P:  Shit, I could grow my hair out, put on a hat and vest, strap on a guitar and look like a country singer.

D (to T):  He’s always hated him.  It’s irrational.

T (to me):  I want you to write this down so there is a record for when you try to look like a country singer.

Laith wrote a song that, surprise!, lends itself to several guitar solos.  I have nothing to say to that.  He plays on:

D:  Actually this is my favorite of the originals so far.

T:  Of course it is because it sounds totally familiar.

The conversation then takes a swing into the judges on America’s Got Talent which says something, right?

D (whispers to T):  Pat’s really taking notes tonight.

G:  Are we going to get a preview?

P:  Not a chance.

D:  I don’t even get previews.

Then Adam sings a Vince Gill song that I didn’t like and then Hannah sings her original song and says a very true and cool thing, “I get to work with the producer of the generation!” and it is awesome.  Again, I liked it – Hannah is the only person I want to win anymore but man, her mom needs to not smile so big, that is a lot of gum showing.  Then Alisan sings a West Side Story song which for me was notable only in how genuinely moved Christina was afterwards, that was rare and nice to see.

Our guesses after the finale:  I pick Hannah, everyone else picks Alisan.

We switch live to results and WHAT THE FUCK TWO GODDAMN HOURS WHAT THE HELL IS THIS AND WE’RE CAUGHT UP SO CAN’T FAST FORWARD WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME NBC YOU BASTARDS?????  I don’t know if I will be able to take it.

We watch Cee-lo’s duet with Hannah and it was amusing to watch how she did everything possible to not have to touch him at all and mostly succeeded.  Then we watched Alisan’s team performance and that’s it.  Seriously.  I can’t do any more of this.  So we look it up and HEY!  Alisan wins! 

What does all this mean for our TSAVFL?   I THOUGHT YOU’D NEVER ASK!

Congratulations to Hummingbird Lightfoot and the Sorry not Sorry (also known as the Blake Shelton of the TSAVFL) for his third win, and a landslide one at that with a 21 point margin over the second place Can’t Truss It for Gina M.   It was a razor thin East Coast battle for third with Gina T’s Spring Breakers just edging Erin’s Carson’s Way by one point.  Train a’ Comin’ was charging down the stretch but just ended up a few points back in fifth place with 41 points – some better luck in the battles and he would have ended up right in the thick of it.  My The Big Short and Ed’s Johnny 5 is Alive tied at 33 after that and the last place trophy goes to the lovely Deb and Under Pressure, in a stunning first to worst performance .  I thought Ed had the bottom trophy wrapped up but forgot about bonus points and his two successful picks there lifted him out of the cellar.

FINAL STANDINGS ARE HERE!!! 

Well friends, rivals and compatriots, that wraps up another season of the TSAVFL.  While The Voice disappoints me lately, none of you do at all and I am more than happy to pick this up again in the Fall if everyone is in.  In the meantime, the blog will not go completely silent – I have a writing project I plan to start here in the next couple weeks so if you get a chance feel free to pop by occasionally and check it out.

Until then I remain, really bad at this game but so fond of every one of you,

Brother Pat

TSAVFL Unveils A New Feature -- Our First Guest Recapper!

“Something’s wrong ‘cause my mind is fading

And everywhere I look there’s a dead end waiting”

                   --Beck

I’ve been fragile the last couple weeks.  I dislike talking about my mood issues because it feels weak and we all have our issues to deal with, but since I’m up front in these it’s just what it is.  Anyway, it’s been hard to motivate myself, and so Deb and I had the following conversation as she was getting ready to fire up The Voice this week:

D:  (looking at me) Are you ready for The Voice?

P:  (shrugs) Yeah, sure.

D:  (still looking at me since I am making no attempt to get the laptop or a notebook) Um, are you going to take notes?

P:  Probably, we’ll see.

D:  Would you like me to take the notes this week?

P:  YES!!

So friends, we have our very first GUEST RECAPPER.  It may not be the last because I’ll tell you all right now that as soon as Paxton came on saying he was going to sing Whitney I was tuning right the fuck out – so if you’ve ever read these and thought “I WANT TO DO THAT” then friend, just let me know!  I’m not dropping the mike or anything, but this season is getting on my nerves.

Anyway!  Deb did not want to write her notes into a recap, so I’m going off of them not totally verbatim but putting it into a narrative.  Take it away, my love!

As mentioned, Paxton was going to sing Whitney Houston with an “acoustic vibe” though what happened had me thinking “what’s acoustic about this?”  Also the arrangement didn’t feel right and the dots on the stage made me think of a Tampax box.  The judges talk and all I hear is “blah blah blah”.

Oh My God!  What in the world was Evil Sorceress Xtina wearing this week?  Did she forget part of her outfit?

Now Carson is talking about The Voice app and The Voice page and The Voice blah blah blah and then came out with the BIG NEWS that PINK!! is joining The Voice family!  Oh, look!  She is swinging on fabric gee I’ve NEVER seen that before!

I did think the previews for Alice Through The Looking Glass looked good though.

Mary Sarah is next singing My Church.  She sounds off during rehearsal to me – hey, I think Blake and I heard the same thing!  First verse was meh but things took off with the chorus.  I like her and thought her sparkly boots were awesome.

I called it that Nick Hagelin’s beautiful wife and adorable kid wouldn’t save him this week.  My first thoughts (other than wondering if by “girls” Xtina meant her boobs?) was……don’t dance!  I didn’t like the arrangement and keep thinking that I’d rather listen to the original, it seems like he was switching from one persons voice to another.  And I hated that shirt!  It looked like a nightshirt.

Hannah sang Say You Love Me – I love her and just watched her in order to enjoy it.  Preach, Pharrell, preach!  She is so believable.

Shalyah – whoa, Sam Cooke, you go, girl!  But you are too young to really feel the meaning of that song.  Pat thought her outfit was pretty.

My rankings to this point:

Hannah

Shalyah

Mary Sarah

Paxton

Nick

Laith – I’m bored.  I wish I had gotten dessert at the store,  I like when Adam drums, it sounded good.  God, taking notes is giving me a headache, how does Pat do it?  Is anybody else bored?

I don’t particularly like note taking.

Man, I miss Gwen’s fashion sense.  I’m torturing Pat by not forwarding through this duet though this, this is a shitty song, did a 14 year old write this??  OK, I’m forwarding now.

Hey, I forgot about Adam’s shout out to Michelle Obama and Bonnie Raitt!!  Wow, it’s like he knows me.

Big surprise, pimp spot again for Alisan.  Cute kids, take a page out of Nick’s book why don’t you you fucking horrible bragger.

Oh, wait.  Bryan still has his song to go……..he’s handsome singing this song.  Oh my.

Brother Pat again.  Thanks, Deb, I thought that was great!  Jim extends his lead because of course he does – Can’t Truss It remains in second with Spring Breakers & Carson’s Way in a BATTLE for third.  Train a’ Comin’ is closer and closer to climbing out of the basement and assuming Alisan keeps going (which c’mon you know she will) he will be knocking Johnny 0 Is Alive to the bottom as Ed joins Deb and I with nobody left.

STANDINGS ARE HERE!

Next week we lose three, I believe.  That should be fun!  In the meantime,

I love each and every one of you,

Brother Pat

Two Weeks Of The Voice And Does Anything Really Matter??

“And I’ve been looking for a good time

But the pleasures are seldom and few”

                       --Beck

Hi again.  Yep, missed a week and I’m not sure whether it is recapper’s block or if The Voice is just wearing my ass down.  Anyway it’s not important, what is important is the wonder that is TSAVFL and so let’s talk a little bit about the past couple weeks.

The Top 11 show gave me two lines that turns out are guaranteed to lose my attention:

                “An inspirational song by Paxton Ingram!”

                “Blake’s country artist takes on Journey!”

It also had some things that kept my attention but not in a great way:

Adam to the doomed Owen “Let’s BLOW THE DOORS OFF!!” and then picks Fire and Rain. 

Xtina!  Pardon me for the observation but I’m not necessarily a breast man but my God she had the girls front and center.  Goodness.

Nick sang Your Body Is A Wonderland.  Ugh.  Can Crash Into You be far behind??

There was a good thing or two:

Time After Time is Cyndi Lauper’s best song and I will not accept any other choice.

It struck me as Laith sang Ed Sheeran (sigh) that my problem with classic rock is just the fact that I’ve heard it all so many times, it is comforting occasionally but I’m just way more interested in listening to things I have not heard hundreds of times before.  So the cool thing with Laith is that he can make a new song sound like a new classic rock song and that is fun.  He was my favorite of the night for the first time.

Now for this week!  Deb was glad to see the First Lady and Dr. Jill and apparently we’re at the point where we get a group sing.  SO MUCH SUCK.  I walked out of the room halfway through because I was nowhere near high enough to watch the rest of the show after a start like that. 

Of course when I got back the very next thing was the doomed and shaken Daniel Passino singing I Don’t Want To Miss A Thing FOR FUCKS SAKE.  This was the point where I made the following note:

THEME:  THERE ARE MANY THINGS I HATE.

Luckily Shalyah came on next and her mom called her Pookie and though I did not know the song at least it wasn’t friggin’ Aerosmith.  I ended up liking her much better partly because Shalyah represents much of what is good and right in the world but also partly because the weed kicked in thank God.

The reason I never understand Pharrell is that he speaks in Art.

I think Xtina has a small crush on Nick.  “I couldn’t tell if it was Michael really singing or not ha ha!!”.  Yeah sure.  I will give him credit for not exploiting anyone for the first week I can recall, and though he is not my favorite I think he did fine.  However my lovely wife did not and it was delightful if a bit profane:  “AAAUGH.  I just think this is HORRIBLE!!  GOD NOW HE’S GOING TO POLE DANCE GOD NOW HE’S GOT A STRIPPER MOVE GOING ON OH!  OH!!  OH!!! OH MY FUCKING GOD THAT WAS HORRIBLE!!! UUUUUCK!”

Hannah is confident right now and she should be.  I was listening and typing and not watching the screen until Deb said “Man, she is HOT in the bodysuit!” and I hurt my neck a little bit snapping to attention because, wow, she did.  I know things aren’t real so of course she has a persona but she is very skilled in making it look like she doesn’t and it makes her a breath of fresh air this season.

It is great that Laith is getting some success after all these years but at the same time I feel like he is right on the ragged edge of being unknown enough to be on The Voice since he does seem to have some sort of reputation in blues circles.  I PREFER MY UNKNOWNS TO BE UNKNOWN DAMN IT.  I was underwhelmed because of the famous song curse, did that B.B. King song really need reinterpretation?  Why not take a song that ISN’T blues and reinvent it?

Paxton Ingram sang Celine Dion and I hate the entire world at this point.

I can’t imagine a man winning this season and feel that if one did it would be a travesty on the order of Trump becoming President.

Deb loved Mary Sarah’s outfit and I liked the Tammy Wynette cover.

Despite not speaking Spanish I like hearing latino music because even a narcocorrido sounds romantic.  Bryan’s song was not a narcocorrido but I figured that out watching him salsa across the stage.  I think he is my favorite of the men.

Curly Sue Gone Wrong exploits her addiction again but y’know whatever gets you through, she probably deserves to.  I closed my eyes for most of it and then had the following exchange with Deb:

P:  she sounds like Susan Tedechi.

D: Bonnie.

P: Etheridge.

D:  Yeah, all those guys.

Adam gets the prime time spot and sings Ray Charles.  It was fine, little dull for me.

My rankings for the night:

Alisan

Hannah

Shalyah

Mary Sarah

Bryan

Laith

Adam

Getting Hit By A Car

Paxton

Nick

Daniel

Pretty right on!!

As for the standings, Jim still has three alive and is cruising once again with a big 9 point lead over Gina M’s Can’t Truss It!  Spring Breakers and Carson’s Way are duking it out for third while Deb’s Under Pressure joins me with her last two being eliminated in the past two weeks.  I can’t see anyone catching Jim at this point but the battle for second may well come down to Bonus Picks, as might the battle for last place -- though Tim is there right now Curly Sue Gone Wrong will pull him out of it soon.  IT’S A RUNAWAY FOR THE TOP SPOT.

Standings are RIGHT HERE!!

Wearily yours,

Brother Pat