What Should Be The Top 5 Is The Top 6 Because The Voice Mocks Me Once Again

“She's been singing it all along

But you were hearin' a different song”

--The White Stripes

Standards are standards, I get it, I really do. But I get so tired of the same songs what seems like year after year after year. OOOOOOH! Tina Turner! FRESH. (I like Tina Turner and I saw her live once and she was fantastic. That was 1982.) Creep!! EDGY. The Beatles! WHAT?!?!! NO WAY! Somewhere Over the Rainbow was my late brother-in-law's favorite song. I have strong memories of him every time I hear it and I cherish those feelings. It is a beautiful and timeless song. I never ever ever need to hear it again on The Voice. I just don't. This is where I am not a very good The Voice viewer because I'm not boiling with anticipation to hear how someone does with Alicia Keys. I don't mean to shit on anyone else's love of these songs. I JUST WANT TO HEAR SOMETHING ORIGINAL AT THIS POINT!

The downside of that is that it may be Sting. AARGH. I'm not going to rehash my completely normal and appropriate utter and distilled hatred of solo Sting, whom I sincerely wish falls off a cliff somewhere around seven hours into a tantric session and lands on a group of Russian children. I'm also not going to mention the self-hatred that occurs with Fields of Gold because I actually kind of like that song and I much prefer to keep my loathing as pure and focused as possible (I am able to distance that person from The Police. I contain multitudes). Thankfully it was boring. I think Joshua is a good singer and he has a very nice voice but it strikes me that Joshua wants his ceiling to be Gordon (not Hummingbird) Lightfoot. And that is great, I think Gordon Lightfoot is tremendous!! I will go further than necessary to tell you why The Wreck of the Edmond Fitzgerald does not in any way deserve the disrespect it receives! But you know what? You better be able to write a damn fine song. Time will tell, I suppose. He reminds Deb of Art Garfunkel, another with a beautiful tone and no idea how to be successful without Paul Simon around to write the song.

That's true of all Voice contestants though. I think Sawyer is some sort of musical savant, but if he's not able to translate that to original stuff he's not going to make it big. Deb downloaded Simple Man. I listened to most of it with my eyes closed and he is so good. It is disconcerting to watch him stare into the distance, but it is apparent that the little girls understand.

Tell you what. The only thing that Kimberly Nichole's rehearsal segment did for me is make me want to hear Xtina do Creep. At least Kimberly's version was interesting even if I couldn't place what was weird about it other than my point at the beginning of this recap. It was bothering me for most of the song and I was jotting down notes trying to figure it out when Deb blurted out 'is this showtune-y?' That was part of it I guess, but for me it came down to the fact that I think I read the song differently than she did and when you think a story is this and someone else thinks it is that there is a natural dissonance between the two views. In the end as with so many things Deb summed it up, I thought it was a little, well, creepy.

Matt McAndrew turned either into exactly what I expected him to or nothing like I expected him to and I could not for the life of me decide which. Cee-lo was suitably unnerving, Gwen reliably talked fashion, though had a solid point when talking to India Carney about image because lord, that girl needs some kind of image more interesting than performing a recital.

My ranking this week: Sawyer, Kimberly, Meghan, Joshua, India, Koryn, Hannah & Cory. NAILED IT. Almost. Was quite disappointed with Koryn last week.

Let's take a look at the team you could have had, for better or for worse. If you (unlike your friendly recapper) had an optimum draft you might be looking at a roster of (points as of now):

First round: India or Sawyer – 17 points

Second round: Koryn or Joshua – 16 points

Third round: Corey Kent White – 12 points

Fourth round: Meghan Linsey – 16 points

Fifth round: Our Lil' Hannah – 10 points

Sixth round: Mia Z – 8 points

You would have 79 points. Hummingbird Lightfoot currently leads with 43. THE TROPHY WOULD BE YOURS.

Conversely, you might conceivably have picked:

First round: Jeremy Gaynor – 0 points

Second round: Paul Pfau – 2 points

Third round: Gabriel Wolfchild, Vance Smith or Michael Leier – 0 points

Fourth round: Briar Jonnee or James McNeice – 0 points

Fifth round: Jack Grigori, Bren'nae DeBarge or Brenna Yeager – 0 points

Sixth round: Well, everyone except Mia Z – 0 points

You would have 2 points. I would commission a trophy for that.

Something to think about while we are talking about scoring. I am thinking about putting up for vote a scoring tweak for next season. Basically, there needs to be a balance between being rewarded for having a team that is deep through the battles, and a team that may only get a member or two through the battles but those people go very deep into the competition. I'm leaning towards bumping up the points for the top 5/6 bonus, those last two rounds, and the winner. Kick it around in the comments if you'd like, I'll take as much feedback as you can provide and of course any future change will be voted on by all because we are not animals and this is a serious, dignified contest.

WHICH REMINDS ME. Because The Voice is a jerk there is not a top 5 like there was last year, there is a top 6 because The Voice hates me. Anyway, I've given the top 5 bonus points to the top 6 contestants. It was probably Adam's idea.

I cannot tell you how tired I was of Corey Kent White. If he would have won this contest and become a successful recording artist my opinion of America as a people would have dropped just a tiny bit more, and it is not like I'm bursting with optimism during the best of times. I will miss Hannah though.

I'm always excited to see a bunch of conversation about the show before the recap even goes up, but I'll be honest that I try to just skim it beforehand for the same reason that I don't read other recaps, trying to keep my hot takes pure. But Jim invited scenarios for a Hummingbird Lightfoot loss, so......

1. Meghan goes home next week, as does Sawyer Fredericks. Kimberly Nichole wins. Barry and the Ladies 49, Hummingbird Lightfoot 47.
2. Meghan goes home next week, as does India Carney. Sawyer Fredericks wins. Debbie Eaglesong 48, Hummingbird Lightfoot 47.

The suspense will be delicious next week, no? I can't wait to see who Koala Fluffybaby's magic blackboard saves!!

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